Game 2: Absolute disaster

Pessimist: Good thing Lou pulled Zambrano for Marmol last night to save him for Game Four. Is "Game Four" the name of the 16-inch softball league team he'll be pitching for on Sunday?

Optimist: Rough outing for Lilly, I know. But the bats woke up a little.

P: Great. Maybe by April they'll actually be ready to win a game.

O: 0-2 is hardly an insurmountable hole. Boston started 0-2 at Oakland in 2003, then won the next three games, including Game Five in Oakland.

P: Great. It's happened four times ever out of 48 divisional series. I'm brimming with confidence.

O: I'm picking up a little sarcasm here.

P: Oh, you think? Let's see: the supposed stopper looks like shit and gets shelled by a team that hit .251 collectively during the season. The lineup, once again, barely hits. Ramirez was beyond useless. They teased us in the late innings only to end up going down swinging yet again. And I had to watch all those fucking fairweather fans wave their fucking pompoms. You know you're dealing with a shitty baseball town when the stadium is full of idiots holding some toy like a pompom or a rumble stick, wearing some jersey they probably bought in the gift shop an hour earlier. They probably sold it out by putting tickets in every other issue of the Arizona Republic.

O: You done?

P: No, I'm not fucking done. If I have to hear Dick Stockton say how Augie Fucking Ojeda is "haunting his ex-teammates" one more time - never mind that Ojeda last played for the Cubs in 2003, meaning he was teammates with exactly three guys currently on the roster - I'm going to fucking lose it. Watching that ball ricochet off his skull in the ninth was a little satisfying, at least, but not nearly good enough. The worst thing about the D-Bags is they're a team full of those "scrappy, gritty players" that the sports press just loves to fellate. Never mind that none of them can hit worth a lick - if they suck at the plate and luckily manage to outperform their expected win total, they must be gritty! I hope Eric Byrnes' ACL rips in half in Game 3, whether we win or not.

O: Classy.

P: See if I care. I'm fucking pissed off right now. I don't care if the Diamondbacks won 90 games. Look at the stats! They're a fucking shitty team! They won 90 games based on luck and occasional good pitching. It's gotta run out sooner or later.

O: You actually sound a little optimistic there.

P: Fuck off. It probably won't matter in this series since the Cubs can't hit for shit anyway. But I'm looking forward to seeing the Rockies fucking smoke them. That and I get to concentrate my energy on the Yankees losing.

O: Would you at least concede that this series isn't over yet?

P: Of course it's fucking over. Have you even been watching these games? They can't hit, they can't pitch.

O: They've had some bad luck too, though. Yeah, lots of strikeouts, but they've hit a lot of solid balls that have just found gloves.

P: Is that supposed to cheer me up?

O: It should, a little. That's the sort of thing that tends to even out. Likewise, the Diamondbacks seem to be finding a lot of gaps right now. Their BABIP for the series is probably enormous. That can't possibly last.

P: They only need it to last for one more game. Probably not that difficult. And if you thought the Cubs were pressing in Game One, wait until you see them in front of a despondent home crowd with their backs against the wall! Oh yeah, that'll be fun. Can you even give me a reason to watch that game?

O: Rich Hill, 2007: 4-0, 0.96 ERA on six or more days of rest. Six days going into Saturday.

P: And at least there won't be any fucking pompoms.